important decisions which I’ll probably forget making

I’ve just had the horrible and utter realisation that what I’ve been writing for the last few months, is, to be honest, complete and utter balls.

Some of it I seemed good at the time, but then I just realised that I didn’t like it at all and around twelve to fifteen minutes later, hated it. I didn’t do anything until now, because until just now, I’d thought that having a blog was about volume, not about the content.

So, I’ve made another resolution, in addition to the one I made twelve to fifteen minutes ago: I’m not going to post crap up here anymore.

I’ll probably regret this one in… twelve to fiteen minutes, but I’d better stop typing now because the full effects of my earlier psot are just starting to hit home.

But I’ll be strong.

Rik.

I’m that kind of person who regrets most of their decisions around twelve to fifteen minutes after making them. It’s either something I’ve done, or said, and then I suddenly realise what I should have said at that point to make what just happened seem a whole lot less awkward.

I’ve narrowed down the problem to two possible sources: (a) I think too much. Maybe I should stop thinking about things I’ve just done and focus on what I’m doing next so I can pay full attention to what’s hapening around me and avoid the next awkward situation, rather than being distracted by what I can’t change. (b) I’m not quick enough. For example, someone would say something. I would then say something back, which would not be something I would say if I weren’t trying to avoid talking to them (This is also a problem, which I shall come to in point (c)). Now, since I wasn’t really paying attention to what they were saying, I would say something which, is not something anyone else would say. I realise, just after I’ve said it, or when I do want to next talk to them, that I’ve just said the most stupid/arrogant/ignorant thing that someone could say at that point. I then proceed to metally abuse myself, which distracts me from stopping me doing it again, which just leads to further distress on myself.

This is why I’ve resolved, suddenly at 4.15am, to stop doing this. Maybe it will make be a better person. Or maybe it’ll just make being a bad person a whole lot less awkward. Either way, it’d be good.

Rik.

(I’ve just realised that I’ve forgotten to explain point (c); perhaps I’ll come to it in a later post, to talk about it now would ruin the effect of what I’ve just said. Which I’ve probably already done, by putting this.)